Today / Tomorrow - Day 7
Today I got to have BBQ hangouts with the Wortheys. It was tastey and fun.
Tomorrow I want to be productive.
Today / Tomorrow - Day 6
Today I am pleased that I discovered Asda pulled pork burgers. Super yummy (you should try them)!
Tomorrow I want to be helpful.
Today /Tomorrow - Day 5
Ok so this one is a little bit late. ..
Yesterday I was grateful to have such happy and positive people around me.
Today I want to be calm.
Today / Tomorrow - Day 4
Today I am grateful that I live in such a beautiful part if the world.
Tomorrow I want to be fun.
Today / Tomorrow - Day 3
Today I am grateful for friendly and excellent medical staff being wonderful to my mum.
Tomorrow I want to be joyful. :)
Today / Tomorrow - Day 2
Today I managed to successfully recreate the amazing stuffed flat bread I had at the Cardiff Food Festival. My dinner party appeared to appreciate it.
Tomorrow I want to be comforting (to make my mum happy after her op).
Today / tomorrow - Day 1
So, I don’t know about you, but I’ve been quite enjoying the latest trends of happiness and positivity going around social media recently.
I’ve decided that I am going to run with and develop this theme and each day post:
Something I am happy about / grateful for today
Something I want to be / aspire to tomorrow
It is likely that the aspirations will repeat themselves but I’m OK with this as it will hopefully show I’m consistently heading in the right direction!
I may well challenge people to take part along the way but it is not meant to be a peer pressure thing, merely a way to remind people that they have good things in their lives and they can put their mind to anything they want to. Feel free to join in yourself (and use the hash tag ‘happinessandbeing’ so I can see who else might be benefitting).
I also have no idea how long I’ll keep this going for or if I will even stop.
So… to kick this off…
Today I am grateful for the numerous people in my life that show me love and support, whether they are new or old friends, near or far, frequent or sporadic, I feel truly fortunate to have them in my life.
Tomorrow I want to be super organised (so that I can make progress at work and cook a fantastic meal for some of my favourite people and get the dog to the vet on time).
Brawlers take on the USA – 2 sides of a dime (Part 2: Tails)
I want to say up front that while what I am about to relate to you has technically come out of the Brawlers trip to the US, it is more of a reflection on the emotional investment we make in roller derby and the sometimes vulnerable position that puts us in.
Following my injuries last year I had been only blocking for the A Team, putting my jamming aside to reduce my risk of aggravating said injuries as much as possible (i.e. not making myself the type of target that jammers tend to be). However, I was approached by the TBB captains in the early part of the year who said my jamming in scrimmage had been good and I was asked to concentrate on jamming for the A Team, with ECDX as the goal.
Jamming has always been a love-hate activity for me. On a good day I could do really well but then I could have a bad day and lose my head in a real funk. I felt like a basically hit or miss jammer and at that time, the thought of jamming at such an important tournament left me filled with dread. I was scared about not being able to control my performance, about failing in front of such a massive (and world-wide) audience and ultimately, of letting the team down.
Needless to say, with Operation ECDX underway (alongside my personal ‘Operation own it for Wales’), I got stuck in, forcing myself to take on the jamming roles in drills and scrimmage and trying to up my game in terms of stamina, skills and versatility of approach.
I worked on my mental game, making real strides towards flushing ‘bad’ jams and instead taking them as learning opportunities. In the months leading up to ECDX I jammed both for the Brawlers and for Team Wales and became much more comfortable with the notion that my success as a jammer relies not only upon my jamming skills, but also on my blockers’ ability to switch between defence and offence effectively. My confidence in myself grew, and through all of the bonding and training leading up to our trip, my confidence in my team mates grew as well.
When we played our first US bout against Suburbia I felt really good and found throughout the first half that my style of jamming appeared to work well against the opposition blockers. I was disappointed not to jam in the second half, especially as I’d had such little trouble breaking through the opposing walls, but I figured the bench wanted me to block more and so I spent the rest of the game in the pack. Following the game I asked if there was a particular reason for the change in my usual rotation and was told that there was none other than other jammers appeared to be doing well. I have to be honest – this confused me as I didn’t understand how I did not fit into that description also. Anyway, at that particular time I just thought, C’est la vie, we’ve got two more games and then the tournament so I’ll get to do plenty of jamming then.
Indeed, come our closed door against the Gotham B Team I got to play as both a blocker and a jammer in good measure and found myself to be generally strong jamming against their walls, and even where I didn’t get lead I was pleased to find that my work on flushing bad jams had paid off and I didn’t dwell on them at all. Over all I thought I played confidently and was pleased that all of my hard work and focus in the 3 months leading up to the trip appeared to have paid off.
A couple of days and one Greyhound ride later, we found ourselves in Washington to face the DC Roller Girls. This game was a real struggle for me.
As I said in my previous post, I had managed to pick up some kind of food poisoning or stomach bug at some point in the 24 hours preceding the game and while I did manage (just about) to play the game, I was feeling extremely weak and shaky. In an attempt to reduce the impact of my bad health on the team, I informed the line-up manager and spent most of my time on track as a blocker rather than a jammer. I was really sad to be in that condition on that day, as my jamming confidence in the previous two games had added to the building blocks of ‘Operation Jamming for ECDX’ and I really felt like that game was going to be the one where I cemented everything I had been working on. But at least I still had the tournament to look forward to.
Oh boy was I wrong.
On the back of our losses leading up to ECDX the captains and bench manager decided to re-jig the packs that we had been playing in for the previous few months. Obviously the intention was to shake things up a bit and revive the team spirit in advance of the tournament. Certain players were played more to their strengths and others were played less to allow room for this.
I was devastated to find that I was not going to be jamming at ECDX.
After training so hard for 3 months solid to make myself reliable in that role, and specifically for the ECDX tournament, I was now no longer allowed to do it. I cannot even begin to describe how this affected my morale or confidence, especially since I felt that aside from DC (where I was sick) I performed consistently well as a jammer in both the U.S. games and in the closed doors and scrimmages leading up to the trip.
Add in to the mix that the tournament was smack bang in between Fathers’ Day and my dad’s birthday (the first since he passed away) and you might understand that I was feeling somewhat emotional.
I unfortunately cannot say that I didn’t indulge my disappointment over the course of the weekend, or that I valiantly shook myself by the shoulders to drag myself past the funk I found myself in.
I’m not going to say it wasn’t frustrating hearing the people who were still allowed to jam making comments about how they were finding the walls difficult or the fact that they kept getting lead but not scoring points, especially as all I wanted to say was, ‘hey, at least you’re being allowed to do what you came here to do’…
I would like to state at this point that my intent is not to focus on or encourage negativity here. I am merely being honest about a situation I was in and the feelings I felt. Of course I would love to say that I sucked it up and forgot about it straight away, but I can’t. I was caught in a whirlwind of anger, disappointment, sadness and mistrust. And I was totally crippled with the frustration that I could not control these feelings or turn them off.
Totally ugly, right? Right.
What I did do was the best I could manage in the situation I found myself in. I distanced myself from the majority of my team mates between games so as not to affect their mood, and made a conscious effort to reign in those feelings during my time on the track. This was largely successful (although not 100%) and I feel I made a decent contribution to the team effort as a blocker and concentrated on that for the remainder of my derby play time. Focussing on the next jam with my pack, being in the moment and doing my part when required to do it.
As I said at the start, this is less a review or our USA pilgrimage, and more a reflection on mental toughness (or not), keeping your shit together when it counts, and taking responsibility for your emotions and how they affect other people (and often, as a result, their performance).
Roller derby is an amateur sport with a lot of individuals playing for teams with almost professional-type competitive goals. For those of us playing for such teams, we are about as close to super human as it gets: We live our everyday lives with partners and families, we work our day jobs, many of us volunteer for various league roles and activities and we give our all in training, bouts and fitness. This is a BIG emotional investment!
But we are only human, and there will be times when we just can’t brush off a feeling, and times in our lives when things outside of skating are serious and lend themselves to affecting your interaction in derby.
International tournaments and travel planning take a lot of time, effort and commitment in the run-up and as such emotions will be high. And when you have a whole load of passionate, emotionally invested women in that very same boat, those emotions may well spill out around you.
What I’m trying to say is that this is ok. We shouldn’t beat ourselves up for it. We should just ensure that we minimise our impact on others and figure out a way to maximise our contribution to the team in spite of this.
In this particular story, I was aware of my emotions in relation to what was most likely a thoroughly considered line-up makeover and I dealt with them in a way that I hope minimised their effect on my team mates. I did what I was told to do during the games and I contributed to 2 fantastic wins at ECDX. And I can also say (albeit in retrospect) that I am thoroughly glad I was there in any playing capacity, whether jamming or not.
My next big focus is Team Wales and the Blood and Thunder World Cup. I know I am going to be totally invested in this team and my role within it, because I already feel the ‘feels’ for my wonderful team mates and I haven’t even skated with them that much. By the time we get to Dallas I am going to be head over heels for this team in this sport. The potential for disappointment is going to be there and I am going to have to remind myself why I am there and how I got there and hope that this experience makes me that little bit stronger when it comes to dealing with it. Especially since I still have to prove myself to make the final roster selection and there is a real chance that may not happen.
As you may have guessed, mental toughness is going to be way up there among my focus points for the next few months and I am just hoping that no matter what happens, whatever role I am undertaking, skating or not skating, I will be as useful to my team as I can be.
And that’s it. Sorry for the waffle but I hope it has given you something to think about.
This is Jolly, attempting to keep on Jollying on.